Feeling special

There are seven billion people on this planet. It's not even possible to comprehend such a enormous number - there are more people than our minds are capable of imagining. Each of us is just one of those 7 billion. Although humans are quite variable in many degrees of freedom, it is pretty certain that there are millions of people who share any given trait with us. And there are probably hundreds of people who share the majority of our traits. We are not unique.

For any characteristic you can name, there are thousands of other people who have either more or less of it than I do. People who are smarter, more patient, taller, funnier, stronger, better at making cocktails, worse at making websites, better at running, worse at swimming. For any given aspect of my life, I could be exchanged with someone else without any problems. I'm decidedly average. We are all decidedly average.

And if you take a cosmic perspective, we become even more insignificant. We are one of 7 billion people on a little blue planet orbiting one fairly typical star out of 300 billion in our galaxy, which is itself a rather ordinary galaxy out of some 200 billion galaxies in the universe. And we will probably exist for 70, maybe 80 years, out of the 15 billion years our universe has existed to date. Our existence is utterly utterly insignificant.

And yet, it doesn't feel that way to us. To us, our existence is, quite literally, everything. And we don't feel like we are just one of thousands of interchangeable people, we feel special. We want to feel like we are unique, different, that we are valued for our distinctive characteristics.

I think this is why friends, family and partners are so important. To the universe and the planet, we are unremarkable interchangeable units, but to them, we are irreplaceable - we are special. I think this is one of the aspects that make relationships so good: to know that there is even one person to whom you are the most special, most important person in the world fulfils a deep human need.

This could actually be a good reason not to disclose much previous dating history to a new partner. A new partner wants to feel special, not to just feel they are the latest in a long line of exes. And it makes it worse that they will probably share many things in common with the ex-partners. Would you rather hear "you are so much like my ex" or "I've never met anybody like you"? The exes probably thought they were special too, but each of them has eventually been changed out for a different model. How long before the current partner becomes just the next ex on the list? I’ve always thought it best to be open about everything, but perhaps there some things it is better not to talk about.

There are of course many many other great things about relationships - companionship, having someone to rely on, to talk to, to share with, knowing that you don't have to face the world alone, and of course, sex. But I do think that the sensation of being special in someone's eyes is one of the more compelling feelings that we can have. You might even say that it’s special.