Proper Christian sex?

It seems that many religious people have quite a preoccupation with sex. Generally, they are very concerned about preventing people from having sex in various ways and contexts: No gay sex, no anal sex, no sex before marriage, sex is mainly for procreation, and heaven forbid that you may actually enjoy it. (Of course, sex with family members seems fine).

I've always assumed that all that was left was that you could only have sex after you were married, only to conceive, and you were supposed to lie back and pray while you were speedily impregnated in the missionary position. (Oh, and god tells you that you should clean up any semen afterwards - thanks for the tip).

But apparently it can be much more complicated than that. If you follow Reverend Moon (as apparently millions do), there is a special three day sex ritual to be followed when a couple get married.

First, they must find a properly sacred place to do the dirty - one of the Reverend's churches is apparently fine for that. They must have a picture of the good Reverend and his wife with them during the act, for ... uh .. erotic inspiration?

Then, they must adopt the appropriate positions. On day 1 and 2 the wife gets to go on top. Progressive, huh? Not really. On day 3, hubby gets to 'restore dominion' in the missionary position, while the wife 'cooperates'.

When the deed is done (there must be ejaculation), the couple each wipe themselves with the 'Holy Handkerchief':
'After the act of love, both spouses should wipe their sexual areas with the Holy Handkerchief. Hang the handkerchief to dry naturally and keep them eternally. They must be kept individually labeled and should never be laundered or mixed up.'
Can you imagine how angry god would be if they discovered 10 years later that they'd mixed up their Holy Handkerchiefs? A sin that bad will send you to hell for sure.

The instructions also have details on exactly what to do if hubby can't keep it up for the required duration. With all the prayers and the pressure of getting it on in front of a picture of the (self-declared) messiah, I'm not surprised that guys have trouble rising to the occasion.